Wrestling fans have heard the jokes forever. “Uh, you like wrestling?! So you like watching two greased dudes in their underwear roll all over each other?” I typically respond with a roundhouse kick to the teeth, but not before explaining further; pro wrestling fandom gets knocked up a new notch when you get to try it out on a sexy, naked sex friend! Today I’ll be bringing you the best moves that pertain to both the squared circle and the stained bedsheets!
(Editor’s Note: Wrestling, much like your proclaimed penis measurement, isn’t real. This is supposed to be for fun play wrestling; violence against ANYONE isn’t cool.)
(Editor’s Note, Part Deux: On second thought, just don’t do any of these. They’re super fun and your partner will probably get a kick out of being manhandled, and it will lead to a better sex life, but we can’t have anyone getting hurt due to our stupid fun advice.)
1. Sit Out Powerbomb
A fun transition between positions. Why go from doggy to missionary the boring old fashioned way, when you could pick your partner up, flip them, slam them down on the bed, and be back inside them before their back even hits the sheets?
(Take care to only do this in a bed and, as with anything sexual, with your partner’s full consent.)
2. Tombstone Piledriver
It’s like 69-ing…only your standing…and then you jump and SLAM them onto the bed! Think your partner can deepthroat? After this jump, her throat’s gonna be so deep she’ll come back with a voice like Barry White.
(I’m gonna have to put a caveat to all of these, aren’t I? Repeat again: if you don’t pay attention to safety, you will break your girlfriend’s neck doing this, and then it’s no more blowjobs forever, stupid.)
3. Shooting Star Press
Have your partner lie on the ground in front of you presenting their orifice of choice for insertion. Then, from an elevated level, do a back flip while propelling forward, reaching full rotation just in time for penetration. For high-ceilinged rooms only! This one is pretty tricky and will most likely shatter both your pelvises on impact. But…it would look so cool!
(No. It will not look cool. It will be an embarrassing call to 9-1-1 to come clean up pile of broken bones and boners. Seriously, don’t do this!)
4. The Bronco Buster
This ones a bit of an anomaly, as it seems far more sexual than any kind of of the others: it’s really just fwapping your dick in someone’s face while touching your asshole to their chest.
(Though this is possibly the stupidest wrestling move ever, please just don’t do it.)
5. The Camel Clutch
Straight from the Sheik-y baby’s mouth…”I break his back, put him in Camel Clutch, fuck his ass…make him HUMBLE!” Have your partner lie on the ground in front of you presenting their orifice of choice for insertion. This is great for grinding, dominance, and the aforementioned ass fucking.
(NO!!! DON’T DON’T DON’T DO THIS! You’ll break someone’s neck! How the hell do you even keep it in in that position! Why can’t you just write about normal sexy things…)
…So there you have it! The top five wrestling moves to try out in bed! Tune in next week when we’ll be discussing the spicy new fetish of bring FIRE to the bedroom! Things heating up in here or is it just me, eh!
( I need a drink. They really don’t pay me enough for this…)
