The dilemma: your new relationship seems promising, and you’re ready to start tappin’ that if you haven’t already. But the kinky elephant is still in the bedroom! How do you divulge your freaky side and talk about your fetish to your vanilla partner without killing the romance, or worse, looking like a total perv?
The art of getting your vanilla partner on board with your kinks requires both finesse and used-car-salesman-like skills. If you’ve never been compared to Don Juan and couldn’t sell hot chocolate to a Eskimo, then you’ve probably dealt with difficult conversations like the rest of us: Directly, Passively, or Passive Aggressively. Whatever your threshold of avoidance is, remember that wine always helps, and so will these tips on how to approach the conversation.
1. “Take or leave it” a.k.a. Direct Approach
If you’re a cut to the chase type, or your kink is too unorthodox for most, don’t invest in a relationship that’ll leave you sexually unfulfilled and probably annoyed. Just put it out there. They’ll either accept it or decide they “ain’t about that life”. Up front communication about your “sexually deviant debauchery” (not my words, someone actually said this to me) will either introduce a new level of openness to your relationship or cause you to breakup, but either way, better to know sooner than later.
1. “Working your way up to it” a.k.a. Passive Approach
Timing is everything. Don’t wait too long to tell your partner; bring it up before or right after the first time you have sex, otherwise you’ll come off as dishonest. Candid dialogue is crucial, and they may have lots of questions so don’t get defensive. Assure them there’s no pressure and you’re willing to go at a pace that’s comfortable for them, but don’t be afraid to stand your ground as to why your fetish is necessary for your sexual gratification.
3. “If you really love me…” a.k.a Passive-Aggressive Approach
This is the smarmiest of the three, but if the mere idea of this conversation makes you straight up anxious, propose it as something you “heard about” or you “might want to try out.” Package it like it’ll be a new experience you two can share, and use buzz phrases like “..will bring us closer together” or “..will be a very intimate experience” P.S. Women eat this shit up! Good News: With manipulation of this level your partner will likely oblige to make you happy. Bad News: You won’t be happy if your partner’s only doing it out of guilt, fear, or whatever; in which case defer to the “Direct Approach”, and don’t play games.
There’s a lid for every pot. Even if the depths of your predilections border on depravity (keep it legal though), like wanting your partner to suck mucus out of your nose (nasolingus) while they fuck you; yes, there is someone out there who actually wants to be the one sucking mucus out of your nose while they fuck you! So my advice: don’t waste time and don’t settle. You will find your kinky lid.
